This is me. I am a weary person. I am unsure. I am uneasy. I am cautious. I am quiet. I am naive. I am bitter. I am angry. I am impatient. I am doubtful. I fall and I fear and I do all of this in the privacy of my own mind. 

I've had a pretty draining day on several different levels, and it's only 7pm. Despite an incredibly positive six hour rehearsal today, I couldn't help but feel this lull of loneliness about my spirit. Just this gross heavy feeling. I could blame the weather, it's been raining for two weeks straight. Or I could blame this cold I have and the foggy outlook it gives me every morning I wake up, more congested than ever. But I've been learning enough about the Spiritual realm lately to logically know that neither of these excuses are the case. There is clearly something else going on here. Still, I ignore the feeling and continue on with my day, letting it still eat away at my being.

I'm a naturally very introvert person, so I am never inclined to invite myself out with friends or anything like that. I keep to myself often.  So when I don't hear from people, I take it very personally. This is destructive on my behalf and only to myself. I spend a lot of time alone and in those times, the enemy has time to creep in and whisper lies to me. This happened today and I fell, I fell hard. I've been questioning things that I know God has told me otherwise. Am I beautiful? Am I intelligent? Will I ever find a man of God? Will I find someone who will love me, despite the sins I've committed? Will I ever be capable the radical charismatic preacher that I know God wants me to become? How does he even see me as being capable for that?  What if I become a failure to His Kingdom? I ask all these things of myself and displease God in the meantime. I am so fallen, I am such a disgusting sinner.

Okay, Satan. The deeds are done. You got me this time. But I am done with you now. You may have some small victories in my life, but that's all they are, small victories. Praise God, they are minuscule compared to my Creator and His Victory. He victoriously reigns over my entire life, including the dark sides of me. Get behind me. I am done. I am done. I am done. Get behind me. Jesus, You reign! I embrace You in all areas of my life! I am dead to sin! You have saved me! I am beautiful in your sight! I need not worry about these things, they are all in Your hands. Thank You for the fall, thank You for the reminder, within my suffering I come to terms and look up toward your face and I am once again reminded of how breathtakingly beautiful You are.

Your. Grace. Is. Enough.
I get it now. And I'm in complete awe.