Dear Extroverts,

Based on some of my interactions with friends, I felt like it was a good idea to write some things about being an introvert. I'm no expert, I have never done any formal reading on the subject, just internet articles in my spare time. Though I may seem articulate in my writing, I find that I have tremendous difficulty explaining to others that I don’t really want to talk or hang out sometimes. So perhaps, me writing this out will make it easier for both of us. For me, because I am sorting out my thoughts and for you, extrovert, so you may understand me a little bit better.

To be honest, I don't think it can be easier to be an introvert than an extrovert, and vice versa. "Easy" is subjective, and to duck out from a public event to seek alone time makes more sense to me than it does for someone who attempts to surround oneself with people who are willing to hang out. I have felt that desperate want to be around others in random, intense spurts; I wonder if that’s what extroverts feel most of the time. But once I am over feeling that way, I feel so exhausted. I suppose in many ways, being an introvert is just as difficult - for no other reason than the fact that many people don’t understand what it is, so they have no idea how to respect it. At least, that's what I feel.

Introverts' brains are such that we are much, much more easily & more often stimulated than extroverts, who I would say are under-stimulated. We introverts value our alone time very much and because of this, it helps us recharge; like coming up for air. Similarly, it seems extroverts' lack of stimulation generates in them a need to seek other people's company to feel balanced & happy?

Now, this in no way means that us introverts dislike spending time with our friends, of course we do. While I realize this seems contradictory, I ask that you least try to understand before jumping to conclusions. For example: please let us go when we tell you we’re leaving from the fun event you planned. It's nothing personal, we enjoyed our awesome hanging out with you, but when we feel to urge to leave, we need to leave. I can’t tell you how awful, awkward, and upset I feel when someone, though they’re clearly joking, tells me, "Aww, you’re leaving? Don’t you don’t like us?" It’s a seemingly harmless form of emotional manipulation that is difficult to respond to politely & sometimes makes me wonder whether I should be out in the first place. The lack of understanding is hard on both parties, so let’s compromise: I came out to spend time with you & friends(which can be quite taxing on the introvert) so please understand if I eventually feel tired and would just rather just go home, drink coffee, and watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in bed.

This isn’t to say that all extroverts are horrible people who don't understand us, in fact I'd say that cannot be farther from the truth. In fact, some of my friends are quite perceptive to these needs despite their not having them and will say warm goodbyes with little protest. Which I appreciate, very much. I’m sure whatever you’re planning is exciting & wonderful, but there will be another time. You don’t want to hang out with me when I feel like that anyway - that’s no fun for anyone.

Another annoying thing, both to deal with and to have others deal with, is that I have no idea how I’ll feel on a given day that we’ve made plans. Sometimes it's like I’m "not fit for human consumption". In the words, I have to cancel. My seemingly abrupt cancelations are often met with surprise and a bit of passive-aggressive hostility, which is understandable, and for that I apologize. But if I can be sympathetic to that kind of veiled anger, then I think it’s also possible for you, extrovert, to be sympathetic to me as well (assuming it isn’t me truly last-minute flaking on my part for some big, RSVP’ed event you’ve planned for months...that would jsut be horrible of me). Sometimes I just don’t feel as great as I thought I would when we made plans and it would be better for both of us to do a rain-check.

Meeting new people can be a terrifying experience for me, particularly if I know I’ll be spending a lot of time with them. (Chatting to others waiting for a bus or in line is not a problem for me for whatever reason. Knowing I won’t have to follow-up is probably part of it, which makes me feel like a horrible person, now that I think of it.) It takes me ages to actually come up with the courage to approach people. Most of my friendships are created out of people approaching me. It's not that I dislike friends or anything, I would just rather bring a book to school & skulk off to a secluded area during my lunch hour. The idea of trying to hold my own in conversation with these new faces was absolutely daunting - it takes a lot within me to do so and I feel like I can do a decent job pretending I am a good conversationalist.

For me, getting to know people is like being near a hot tub in cold weather. I do very much want to get in & warm up, but I’m sensitive to the heat. It's hard for me to get in right away. Adjusting to the temperature takes time and patience, acquiring that level of comfort with new acquaintances is a similarly gradual process. My friends are very close friends; it just takes time, no matter how kind or accommodating a person is.

When the friendship is established is the point at which things become more problematic, which is likely why I’m reluctant to speak to others in the first place. More is expected of me. Of course, I do need to contribute since that's how any relationship works and I realize I need to work harder at "bearing" to be around people for longer than I can stand now. But I want to state clearly that introversion is not a disability any more than your extroversion is. I am not a monster, I am not some alien who cannot function in society. It's unfair to impose that kind of judgment on me. This is how I am, how we are, and if it were ever possible to change one's brain chemistry enough to “switch over” to extroversion, I would never have the desire to do so. Meanwhile, I'll try to put myself out more & become a more out-going personality. But please try to understand my point of view and I will do my whole-hearted best to understand yours.

Love, Ashley