Dei Gratia

2011-12-23T22:46:00.000-08:00

It's 1:14pm and the lunch rush had just started wrapping up at the cafe I work at. I stand behind the espresso machine and stare at the chaos before me; bits of garbage everywhere, leftover food and dirty dishes strewn about, and the sugar! My goodness, there's sugar everywhere! I grab a rag and start wiping everything down, and that's when I notice my coworker serving a mother with a little girl, no older than two or three.

As they finish up their order, they walk away and I can't help but notice the little girl staring at another toddler in the dining area - a little boy around the same age. Their eyes are locked.

As I'm observing this, my coworker interjects, "Little kids are funny, aren't they?"
"Huh?" I reply.
"Well, look at them. Little kids have no fear when it comes to meeting other little kids. Don't you remember going to McDonalds or whatever and playing in the play-place? Yeah, every kid was your friend in that thing. No fear, man!"

I smile, nod, and redirect my attention back over to the kids - I can't help but fall helplessly in love with their innocent, carefree essence. I am completely and utterly captivated.

In a world where hardly anyone says hello to another stranger anymore, I can't help but wonder what it would be like if we all possessed the same attitude as children do.

Children are magical. Have you ever noticed how excited a kid gets when they see a bug or something shiny on the sidewalk? They don't let anything pass by without a solid inspection. I just love that. Why aren't we all stopping to say hello to the snails?

There's a reason why Christ commands us to be of childlike faith; His children come to us far more developed than even the most established and accomplished adult ever will be, they arrive glowing the fullness, the beauty and the glory of His Kingdom.

Dear Extroverts,

2011-12-20T22:02:00.000-08:00

Based on some of my interactions with friends, I felt like it was a good idea to write some things about being an introvert. I'm no expert, I have never done any formal reading on the subject, just internet articles in my spare time. Though I may seem articulate in my writing, I find that I have tremendous difficulty explaining to others that I don’t really want to talk or hang out sometimes. So perhaps, me writing this out will make it easier for both of us. For me, because I am sorting out my thoughts and for you, extrovert, so you may understand me a little bit better.

To be honest, I don't think it can be easier to be an introvert than an extrovert, and vice versa. "Easy" is subjective, and to duck out from a public event to seek alone time makes more sense to me than it does for someone who attempts to surround oneself with people who are willing to hang out. I have felt that desperate want to be around others in random, intense spurts; I wonder if that’s what extroverts feel most of the time. But once I am over feeling that way, I feel so exhausted. I suppose in many ways, being an introvert is just as difficult - for no other reason than the fact that many people don’t understand what it is, so they have no idea how to respect it. At least, that's what I feel.

Introverts' brains are such that we are much, much more easily & more often stimulated than extroverts, who I would say are under-stimulated. We introverts value our alone time very much and because of this, it helps us recharge; like coming up for air. Similarly, it seems extroverts' lack of stimulation generates in them a need to seek other people's company to feel balanced & happy?

Now, this in no way means that us introverts dislike spending time with our friends, of course we do. While I realize this seems contradictory, I ask that you least try to understand before jumping to conclusions. For example: please let us go when we tell you we’re leaving from the fun event you planned. It's nothing personal, we enjoyed our awesome hanging out with you, but when we feel to urge to leave, we need to leave. I can’t tell you how awful, awkward, and upset I feel when someone, though they’re clearly joking, tells me, "Aww, you’re leaving? Don’t you don’t like us?" It’s a seemingly harmless form of emotional manipulation that is difficult to respond to politely & sometimes makes me wonder whether I should be out in the first place. The lack of understanding is hard on both parties, so let’s compromise: I came out to spend time with you & friends(which can be quite taxing on the introvert) so please understand if I eventually feel tired and would just rather just go home, drink coffee, and watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in bed.

This isn’t to say that all extroverts are horrible people who don't understand us, in fact I'd say that cannot be farther from the truth. In fact, some of my friends are quite perceptive to these needs despite their not having them and will say warm goodbyes with little protest. Which I appreciate, very much. I’m sure whatever you’re planning is exciting & wonderful, but there will be another time. You don’t want to hang out with me when I feel like that anyway - that’s no fun for anyone.

Another annoying thing, both to deal with and to have others deal with, is that I have no idea how I’ll feel on a given day that we’ve made plans. Sometimes it's like I’m "not fit for human consumption". In the words, I have to cancel. My seemingly abrupt cancelations are often met with surprise and a bit of passive-aggressive hostility, which is understandable, and for that I apologize. But if I can be sympathetic to that kind of veiled anger, then I think it’s also possible for you, extrovert, to be sympathetic to me as well (assuming it isn’t me truly last-minute flaking on my part for some big, RSVP’ed event you’ve planned for months...that would jsut be horrible of me). Sometimes I just don’t feel as great as I thought I would when we made plans and it would be better for both of us to do a rain-check.

Meeting new people can be a terrifying experience for me, particularly if I know I’ll be spending a lot of time with them. (Chatting to others waiting for a bus or in line is not a problem for me for whatever reason. Knowing I won’t have to follow-up is probably part of it, which makes me feel like a horrible person, now that I think of it.) It takes me ages to actually come up with the courage to approach people. Most of my friendships are created out of people approaching me. It's not that I dislike friends or anything, I would just rather bring a book to school & skulk off to a secluded area during my lunch hour. The idea of trying to hold my own in conversation with these new faces was absolutely daunting - it takes a lot within me to do so and I feel like I can do a decent job pretending I am a good conversationalist.

For me, getting to know people is like being near a hot tub in cold weather. I do very much want to get in & warm up, but I’m sensitive to the heat. It's hard for me to get in right away. Adjusting to the temperature takes time and patience, acquiring that level of comfort with new acquaintances is a similarly gradual process. My friends are very close friends; it just takes time, no matter how kind or accommodating a person is.

When the friendship is established is the point at which things become more problematic, which is likely why I’m reluctant to speak to others in the first place. More is expected of me. Of course, I do need to contribute since that's how any relationship works and I realize I need to work harder at "bearing" to be around people for longer than I can stand now. But I want to state clearly that introversion is not a disability any more than your extroversion is. I am not a monster, I am not some alien who cannot function in society. It's unfair to impose that kind of judgment on me. This is how I am, how we are, and if it were ever possible to change one's brain chemistry enough to “switch over” to extroversion, I would never have the desire to do so. Meanwhile, I'll try to put myself out more & become a more out-going personality. But please try to understand my point of view and I will do my whole-hearted best to understand yours.

Love, Ashley

50 Truths I've Learned in 20 Years of Existing.

2011-07-02T16:40:00.001-07:00

Being an adult can be fun when you are always acting like a child.
Love has nothing to do with looks but everything to do with respect, time, trust, and interest.
Emotions of laughter, tears, joy and anger are all vital. They make us human.
The greatest truths in life are uncovered with simple, steady awareness and child-like curiosity.
Greed will bury even the selfless eventually.
Bad things can and do happen to good people. But it’s okay.
Paving your own road is the best way to discover the world.
It doesn’t matter if “it’s been done before”. Do it anyway.
Uncertainty is caused by a lack of knowledge. Take risks.
Everything happens for a reason, even the death of an amazing young person.
God heals all wounds with time - regardless of how you feel right now.
Most of the time what you are looking for is right in front of you.
Just because you’re young doesn’t mean you’re immortal. Take care of your body and your health.
Chance is a gift, so act on every chance when given the opportunity.
Kindness, forgiveness, a love for humanity, and hard work will take you further than a bachelor’s degree.
Genuine people deserve a second chance, and a third, and a fourth…
Marry your best friend, or at least make sure whoever you marry becomes your best friend as well.
Take lots of pictures. Someday you’ll be really glad you did.
Money makes life easier but it can cause a lot of problems as well.
Carelessness is the root of failure. And fear of failure is a ticket to mediocrity. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not pushing yourself. And if you’re not pushing yourself, you’re only coasting.
Your actions now create memories you will reminisce and talk about in your elder years. Go outside.
Stepping outside of your comfort zone will put things into perspective from an angle you can’t grasp now.
Motivation tends to come in short bursts. Act while it’s hot.
Purposely ignoring the obvious is like walking backwards toward the enemy.
Taking ownership of failure builds the foundation for success.
First impressions are completely worthless 50% of the time. Get to know each person you encounter as if they’re the last person on earth.
Personal glory only last so long. Where do you place your worth?
The people you party with most likely will never last as friends, they’ll be gone when you stop partying.
If you never act upon your impulses, you will never know for sure.
True love is there when you least expect it and even when you reject it, it will always be there for you.
Confidence. Use it. God’s blessed you with the skills and talents you have for a reason.
It’s better to sing off key than not to sing at all.
You can’t avoid offending people from time to time. When you don’t mean it, apologize. When you do mean it, accept the consequences.
Prejudice and bigotry is hard-wired into us. You can’t overcome it until you acknowledge it. Thank God for grace.
Empathy is the greatest virtue. From it, all virtues flow. Without it, all virtues are an act.
Cough syrup doesn’t work.
Empathy is the greatest virtue. From it, all virtues flow. Without it, all virtues are an act.
Keeping perspective is the greatest key to happiness. From a distance, even a bumpy road looks smooth.
It may not feel like it, but it’s a blessing when you have people who aren’t afraid to tell you when you’re wrong.
Broken hearts do mend.
Don’t waste your breath proclaiming what’s really important to you. How you spend your time says it all. Actions speak louder than words.
Art is essential for human survival. Creativity sustains our well-being.
Anyone who judges you by the kind of car you drive or shoes you wear isn’t someone worth impressing.
Grudges are poison. The only antidote is to let them go.
The greatest gift you can offer a person is your time and a listening ear.
Almost no one stretches, flosses or gives compliments often enough.
When you mess up, just ’fess up. It’s the fastest way to forgiveness.
Be truthful or be quiet. Lies are hard to keep track of.
You never stop learning.
Whatever your passion, pursue it as though your days were numbered. Because they are.

Prayer for the single Christian woman.

2011-05-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

Father in the name of Jesus Christ, I come boldly before Your throne of grace confessing Your Word over my life as a single Christian.

I pray that You would help me to live a Godly life as a single Christian – a life that is holy, sanctified and set aside for the Master’s use, and prepared for Your good work.

I confess Your word, that as a single Christian, my life is crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live; yet it’s not I that live, but it’s Christ that lives in and through me; and the life which I now live in the flesh as a single Christian, I live it by faith, power and strength of the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me.

Father, You said that You would not leave us alone, but You promised to send us the Comforter. I pray therefore, that You would fellowship with me daily through the Comforter of the Holy Spirit.

I pray that while I am single, may You be the One to whom I am married. Lord, when I get lonely, may You, through the Holy Spirit, be the One who comforts my heart. May You be unto me as a close friend that sticks closer than any brother. When I need someone to talk to, may I also find comfort, as well as pleasure in talking to You. And as I talk to You, may You speak continually back to my heart, and may You be my daily companion who keeps me company, as You walk with me each and everyday.

I pray that You would give me Godly friends and acquaintances that will be an encouragement to me to live for, love and serve You with all of my heart, soul, strength, and might. And, keep me away from those who would draw my heart away from You and draw me into idleness, worldliness, carnalness or ungodly situations or relationships.

Your Word says that You are able to keep me from falling and present me faultless with exceeding great joy. I pray, therefore, that You would help me to keep watch of the evil one in my life. Father, as a single Christian, help me not to be drawn or lured into sexual temptation, and keep me from falling into fornication, adultery or any other sexual sin, immorality or perversion.

By the power and strength of the Holy Spirit, I pray that You would also keep me from each and every satanic spirit of seduction. May You help me to flee youthful lust, keep me from compromising situations, and help me to avoid the very appearance of evil.

Father, help me to not allow the devil to conform my mind to see the single Christian life as one that is boring, incomplete or unfulfilling. I pray that through Christ Jesus, You help me to see my life as joyous, exciting and fully complete. I pray that You would fill every empty and lonely place of my heart with excitement in You and Your work. And may You always be the center of my joy, as You strengthen and renew my heart in You each and every day.

I pray that You would help me to be continually occupied doing Your work and Your will. Help me not to allow my mind to be consumed with the desire or want for a mate, but rather, consumed with You, Your Word, doing Your will, and pleasing You. And help me to keep my eyes, as well as my heart and mind stayed upon You.

Now Father, I thank You that my heart safely rests in You, Your provisions and Your loving arms of care. And may You continually be all of my fulfillment, my desire and completeness. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray, AMEN.

DATE A GIRL WHO LOVES JESUS.

2011-04-20T22:35:00.000-07:00

By Ashley MacKenzie

(A response to “Date a Girl Who Reads” and other parodies.)

Date a girl who loves Jesus. Date a girl who would rather stay at home reading Scripture on a Friday night than be out partying with a group of friends. She has issues with space because her shelves are overflowing with the works of Lewis, Edwards, Spurgeon, Piper and more. Date a girl who spends her money on others instead of clothes and other frivolous things.

Find a girl who’s passionate about the Gospel. You’ll know that she is because she will always have her Bible in her bag and she’s always read to help others. She’s the one lovingly giving up her spare time to spend it with those in need, the one who lets out a silent but compassion-filled cry for the state of the world and all of His people.You see that girl sitting and talking by herself, looking sort of out-of-place, and admiring her surroundings? That’s her. She can’t resist taking time out of her day to talk to God and thank Him for His blessings.

And boy, is she ever thankful.

She’s the one who’s got that look on her face when she’s in worship, that look that shows you can tell where her focus is in that moment. Eyes closed and hands raised, or perhaps she is sitting in stillness and silence. Either way, you can see a light in her that isn’t like anything you’ve ever seen. She’s the one who isn’t afraid to fall to her knees or dance in the joy of the LORD.

She’s in it, she’s in love with Love Himself.

This girl has some serious self-respect; she doesn’t parade around announcing her flaws in hopes of reassurance or compliments. She knows that she was created in His image and no matter what society says; she is beautiful. She doesn’t need anyone to remind her. She knows how intricately created she is, placing her self-worth in Christ and Christ alone.

A girl who loves the LORD isn’t going to be caught up in pointless things. She doesn’t flip through the channels of the TV searching for the latest soap opera. She doesn’t mindlessly watch trashy movies, lusting over the lead actor. She isn’t flipping through the pages of a unrealistic romance novel, hoping and wishing that it comes to life. She’s studying and learning. She’s thinking and engaging with the world around her. She’s reading His Word and applying it to her life and how she interacts with others. This girl isn’t wasting her God-given gifts on the world and it’s pleasures, she’s using them toward the advancement of His Kingdom, all for the Glory of the LORD.

If you end up dating her, consider yourself blessed because you know God gave her to you. The LORD has selected her especially for you and prepared the both of you for each other. She’s not the kind of girl who pines for the next guy to come into her life. No, she is patient. She waits upon the LORD and His timing. She does not complain or become anxious, for she knows that Christ is her focus above all things.

Pray for her. Pray with her.

This is one of the greatest gifts you can offer her. Read the Bible with her. Tell her about the things God is doing in your life. She cares, and she loves to hear them. Teach her with the wisdom of Solomon, lead her like Moses with a faith like Abraham. She will search you to see if you have David’s heart for God. But most of all, you must love her with the Love of Christ Himself because a girl who loves Jesus is very special. She is bold like Esther, hospitable like Lydia, submissive like Mary and she consistently thrives to align her life with the very words found in Proverbs 31. Scripture is her daily bread, and she grows off of God’s consistent grace and compassion.

Date a girl who loves Jesus more than she will ever love you. Date a girl who acknowledges her God-given mission in life and the priority it has over all things. Know that God has placed you by her side for a reason; you’re in this together and God has plans for the both of you. You’re in good hands as long as you stay within the center of God’s will. This girl will keep you on the Holy path, and trusts you will be honest with you when you are struggling…because she always will. Date a girl who loves Jesus because He loves you, and He just wants the best for you.

Or better yet, marry a girl who loves Jesus.

A little bit about me.

2011-04-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

I am God’s child. (John 1:12)
I am God’s temple. (1 Cor. 3:16)
I am Christ’s friend. (John 15:15)
I am complete in Christ. (Col 2:10)
I have been justified. (Romans 5:1)
I am God’s workmanship. (Eph. 2:10)
I am united with the Lord. (1 Cor. 6:17)
I am hidden with Christ in God. (Col 3:3)
I am bought with a price. (1 Cor. 6:19-20)
I am a personal witness of Christ. (Acts1:8)
I have been adopted as God’s child (Eph. 1:5)
I am God’s co-worker. (1 Cor. 3:9, 2 Cor. 6:1)
I am the salt and light of the earth. (Matt 5:13-14)

I am a member of the body of Christ. (1 Cor. 12:27)
I am a citizen of Heaven. I am significant. (Phil. 3:20)

I am free forever from condemnation. (Romans 8:1-2)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms. (Eph 2:6)

I am free from any charge against me. (Romans 8:31-34)
I have access to God through the Holy Spirit. (Eph. 2:18)

I am assured all things work together for good. (Rom. 8:28)

I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. (John 15:16)

I cannot be seperated from the love of God (Romans 8:35-39)
I may approach God with freedom and confidence. (Eph. 3:12)
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13)
I am the branch of the truth vine, a channel of His life. (John 15:1-5)
I am confident that the good works God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil. 1:5)

Lies I choose to ignore.

2011-04-14T00:14:00.000-07:00

No one wants to be around me.
No one likes me.
I don't have any close friends who care to listen to me.
God doesn’t want to use me specifically.
God isn’t capable of providing for me.
I am too scared to trust God.
I am not valuable without the approval of man.
My physical appearance defines me.
My performance in different activities gives me value.
I am not loved.
I am not good enough.
Jesus’ sacrifice was not enough for me

Praise GOD for the truth, which has set me free.

2011-04-06T01:33:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you just really need to cry.

2011-03-17T02:17:00.001-07:00

I often feel that the people who I am closest to physically are the ones that feel the furthest away from me.

DATE A GIRL WHO READS.

2011-02-08T22:16:00.000-08:00

An article by Rosemarie Urquico:

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes

I have a confession to make.

2011-02-03T10:25:00.000-08:00

I AM IN LOVE. I am so infatuated with the Creator. He's all I can think about. I'm crazy about Him. He's all I need, all I want, He is everything. And the best part is that He loves me in return. He desires me, He adores me. When He gazes upon my face He calls me beautiful. He makes me feel beautiful. I am in awe of His glory, His love, and His grace.

Did I mention I am smiling?

2011-01-28T20:38:00.000-08:00

My future husband,

At times, I swear I can already feel the breath of you on the back of my neck. I long to comfort you. As I walk alone down streets, I think of the days you’ll walk with me. As I sit alone in theatres, laughing, I think of the times we’ll laugh together. When I am upon my couch, feet extended, I think of the times we’ll fight over the space or the remote. I crave your loving pinches and unconditional desire.

Because I have faith, I believe and pray that you, too, love me with a love unsurpassed. I believe and pray that you, too, guard your heart & your mind for our future. I believe and pray that you stand firm against temptation, that you dream of our children, and that you hunger for my words at the end of a long day. Will I know you when I see you? Will the dreams and reality stitch together seamlessly? Will I have to compromise, deciding between what is utterly important and what I can live without? How much of this dream is dependent on me? How much of this dream is dependent on timing? How much of this dream is reliant upon my ability to love myself? How much of this dream should I let go?

I can see you now. Tall, a frame that holds strength and protection. I have faith that God is between us and planning our future, even thought we may be miles apart or perhaps right next door. Thoughts intertwined, I am smiling. It’s God’s timing, so we are closer than we realize.   Sometimes I feel silly when I imagine what we will talk about everyday. Long car drives and discussions. The things that make you smile or laugh. I have a hard time expressing my feelings sometimes, and I pray you don’t mind that. I pray you are understanding. By God’s grace, I know I was created to share these feelings with you. To be able to release them and bloom into us.

Sometimes I feel lonely and I think that’s because God has blessed me with an open heart that overflows with emotion, it all goes unshared at times. Deep in my soul, my dreams of sharing my days expressing what is in my heart lies unanswered. I am looking for your eyes and your approval. I pray I see God within you. I pray you carry His cross. Knowing that in my weakness, that you will be the knight that will help protect my heart from the hardness of the world. Did I mention I am smiling? God’s gift to me of my child-like love is misunderstood most of the time. It is not in my soul to hate someone because he or she chooses to lash out and hurt me or others. I only feel compassion for them and the pain that they feel for themselves. You know and understand my thoughts and confusion regarding the workings of the world. I am thankful that you know the deep workings of my soul to know when I need comforted and when I need my own personal time. Only you know that even then I am silent, words do not need to be spoken to express the feelings of the heart. You hear the music that is played by the invisible strings to my soul.

At night, my prayers are filled with support and blessings for you. That God might guide and bless you in what ever venture you might be striving toward. You know in your heart, at that faint guiding star that you feel deep in your soul is me. God’s blessing, all these years, has been guiding you home to my heart so that finally that our journey will end and we will be together.

With all the love within my heart,
Ashley

I Tremble.

2011-01-22T22:08:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes. This is the sound of my breathing. It's slow but sometimes it's fast, like when I notice...everything seems to stand on the edge; my mind, my soul.

And this is the sound of my voice, growing confident, growing fearful. It's slow but sometimes it's fast, like when I think of the reasons my world stands still while I'm laying in bed, alone, silent as eyes. And sometimes it has no sound at all. The world has won, "beauty" has won, I am not in control.

No. I am not in control.

I am not in control when I ruin page after page of a journal entry. I am not in control when I stand by the sink with a ruined cup of coffee (black grinds float around like little sail boats, slowly, but always moving, even if they're trapped by the rim of the cup) trying to decide whether to pour it out or just drink it (I drink it).

Still, still, this is the sound of my heart beating: all it would take is one word and we'd step into a new world. A new world where I photograph the way the shadows weave my untamed hair, or the way you smile in your sweater (I remember I wrote these words a long time ago and still they are true). One word. The power of words, the power of choice.

It kisses the edges of my soul;
I tremble.

2011-01-22T19:35:00.001-08:00

This is me. I am a weary person. I am unsure. I am uneasy. I am cautious. I am quiet. I am naive. I am bitter. I am angry. I am impatient. I am doubtful. I fall and I fear and I do all of this in the privacy of my own mind.

I've had a pretty draining day on several different levels, and it's only 7pm. Despite an incredibly positive six hour rehearsal today, I couldn't help but feel this lull of loneliness about my spirit. Just this gross heavy feeling. I could blame the weather, it's been raining for two weeks straight. Or I could blame this cold I have and the foggy outlook it gives me every morning I wake up, more congested than ever. But I've been learning enough about the Spiritual realm lately to logically know that neither of these excuses are the case. There is clearly something else going on here. Still, I ignore the feeling and continue on with my day, letting it still eat away at my being.

I'm a naturally very introvert person, so I am never inclined to invite myself out with friends or anything like that. I keep to myself often. So when I don't hear from people, I take it very personally. This is destructive on my behalf and only to myself. I spend a lot of time alone and in those times, the enemy has time to creep in and whisper lies to me. This happened today and I fell, I fell hard. I've been questioning things that I know God has told me otherwise. Am I beautiful? Am I intelligent? Will I ever find a man of God? Will I find someone who will love me, despite the sins I've committed? Will I ever be capable the radical charismatic preacher that I know God wants me to become? How does he even see me as being capable for that? What if I become a failure to His Kingdom? I ask all these things of myself and displease God in the meantime. I am so fallen, I am such a disgusting sinner.

Okay, Satan. The deeds are done. You got me this time. But I am done with you now. You may have some small victories in my life, but that's all they are, small victories. Praise God, they are minuscule compared to my Creator and His Victory. He victoriously reigns over my entire life, including the dark sides of me. Get behind me. I am done. I am done. I am done. Get behind me. Jesus, You reign! I embrace You in all areas of my life! I am dead to sin! You have saved me! I am beautiful in your sight! I need not worry about these things, they are all in Your hands. Thank You for the fall, thank You for the reminder, within my suffering I come to terms and look up toward your face and I am once again reminded of how breathtakingly beautiful You are.

Your. Grace. Is. Enough.
I get it now. And I'm in complete awe.

2011-01-04T00:19:00.001-08:00

Yes! Yes my Beloved, this is what I made you for. This is my calling unto you. No matter how long you strayed from Me, I waited patiently for you to return. That’s how much I love you. I did not create you for the lies, the hurt, the pain, and the sin of the world. I created you to blossom in love and tolerance. I created you to thrive in peaceful actions and compassionate embraces.This. This is what you are meant for. This is the very moment I created you for, so lovingly and intricately in the palm of My hand. One day you will understand how happy I am when I see your smiling face, how much you delight me when you raise your voice toward Me. I love you, My child. As you go out into the world, know that I am here. Yes, yes My Beloved. I created you for this moment.

2011-01-02T16:31:00.001-08:00

Libraries That I Must Visit

2010-12-30T02:25:00.000-08:00

Thomas Fisher Rare Book Library at University of Toronto - Toronto, Canada

Real Gabinete Português de Leitura - Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

Library at El Real Monasterio de El Escorial - Madrid, Spain

Admont Abbey Library - Austria

Iowa State Capital Law Library - United States

Yale University’s Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library - New Haven, Connecticut

Canadian Library of Parliament - Ottawa, Canada

University Club Library - New York City, United States

And finally, my all-time favourite:

Strahov Theological Hall - Prague, Czech Republic

Christmas Musings

2010-12-24T22:53:00.000-08:00

‎"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on His shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace!" - Isaiah 9:6

I think as Christians, we get verses much like so drilled into our heads every Christmas season. I know I've experienced this. Now, I'm not complaining. It helps remind us of the true meaning of Christmas...to an extent. I know, at least for myself, that I am experiencing Christmas in a whole new way this year. The typical Christmas story just hasn't been enough. Perhaps this year I am older, wiser, or maybe I am more observant. The book of John has been the theme of my Christmas season, the idea of the logos (the Word) becoming flesh and dwelling among us. I am just in awe of Christ more than I ever have been. To just sit and think about what that means: "and the WORD became FLESH and dwelt AMONG US, and we have seen His glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of GRACE and TRUTH." - John 1:14. I just can't get over it. God, Almighty One, Creator of all things, sent His Son to dwell among us. He loves us that much. Love came down today.

None of this is very structured, I'm just rambling now. I'm just in awe. So overjoyed and amazed. I just felt like expressing the joy I'm experiencing. I apologize if you were expecting something more structured. I know...If you're like me, you crave structure. So I'll leave you with this, it's the least I can do:
"Christ’s incarnation was a greater and more wonderful thing than ever had yet come to pass. The creation of the world was a very great thing, but not so great as the incarnation of Christ. It was a great thing for God to make the creature, but not so great as for the Creator himself to become a creature. We have spoken of many great things that were accomplished between the fall of man the incarnation of Christ: but God becoming man was greater than all. Then the greatest person was born that ever was or ever will be" - Jonathan Edwards

Ah! So good. So legit. God is amazing.

Merry Christmas my dear friends. Rejoice! A Saviour is born and He dwells among us to this very day!
In Christ,
Ashley

Okay?

2010-12-24T09:37:00.000-08:00

Love,
Ashley

To my future husband:

2010-12-21T20:46:00.000-08:00

Whoever you are, wherever you are, I want you to know that I pray for you everyday. I can’t wait to meet you and spend the rest of my life with you. I pray that you are loving the Lord every day and leaning on His word in those tough times. I love you so much, see you soon.

- Ashley MacKenzie

2010-12-13T12:50:00.000-08:00

This was written and posted by Renee (chaispice) on Tumblr. I thought it was gorgeous. It took my breath way. I wanted to post it here for safe-keeping.

Beloved, it is not wrong to want to be constantly desired. For all of your life I have been relentlessly pursuing you day by day and I have sat with you as you pushed me further and further away. Can you not see that, My love? I long for that gaze. I long for those moments where you close your eyes to the distractions and just see Me. I long for those moments where you dance with no-one but Me. I long for your attention. Every second I am calling you closer. That aching in your heart to be loved completely and for someone to delight in you constantly is there for a reason - it’s there because I placed it there. I created you with that desire, knowing that I was the only One who could ever satisfy it. I cannot get enough of You. I never tire of our time together. I want you and have wanted you so much that I left My glory, My throne - My everything - to walk upon this earth and make it possible for you and I to dance. That intimacy, My child, cost Me everything.

I know you want to hear My voice. I know you want to hear Me clearer than you hear him and I know it’s hard when your mind’s all cluttered like this. I know you want to feel My arms around you like you feel his arms around you and I know it’s hard when your mind’s all cluttered like this. I know you want Me to be more…tangible. But there is something in your soul that feels that I am home. I know that You feel this. There is something in your heart that feels at peace when you stop fighting My love for you. There is a part of you that recognises Me far better than you will ever recognise him - because, beloved, I made you that way. I am your Shepherd, My love, and I hear your voice and I know you hear Mine.
You are not pathetic or overly needy, My beloved. Not when you turn to Me with that need and run into My arms. You could never exhaust Me. I never want space from you. I want you completely. You are not too much for me. You are never too intense for me. I desire every single piece of Your heart. Dance with Me, beloved. Just be still, and know that I am the Lord. Be still, My bride, and know that I am the Lord.

I can't sleep.

2010-12-12T08:04:00.000-08:00

I haven't been properly able to in over two weeks. I could blame the stress, but I always do. Much of my routine consists of studying for extremely long periods of time, staying up until 3am and trying to fall asleep until I finally give up at around 6:45am. Then, I attempt to go about my day but I end up taking a nap that turns into much more. I wake up around 5pm, and do it all again. I can't stand it. I'm so restless. I feel like I wont be able to settle back into a regular sleeping routine until I go home for the holidays because there is just so much going on right now and I don't have time to fix it.

However, despite how horrible this pattern is, I am more bothered by the anxiety I create for myself on these sleepless nights. I lay awake thinking of things, far too many things. I think about school and how despite my best efforts to work as hard as I can, I still don't think I'm going to get the grades I want. I think about how disappointing I can be to myself, how I set some goals and never achieve them. I think about things that I long for, things that seem so far away from me and I wonder and worry if these things are part of God's plan for my life or not. If I have such strong desires for certain things in my heart, He must have placed them there for a reason right? They must be part of His plan for me...right? As I lay awake at night these things seem further away than ever.

I become angry at myself for not being able to just say how I feel. I know it's unhealthy to bottle up your emotions, but I still do it. I think about my childhood and I dwell on how fleeting my youth is becoming. I long to hold on to that carefree attitude, to keep a firm grasp on being able to see things through eyes of a child, and I want nothing more than that childlike innocence. And as I grow, as I see the world I am soon going to enter into, I can't help but want to retreat. I can't help but want to hide away, for the task God has granted me seems too big. I tell myself that He must have assigned me the wrong job description. Oh yeah, too bad God is never wrong. Great.

I dwell on how cold and broken the world is and I can't help but think about how you're not allowed to be vulnerable and cry. In that moment, as I lay awake, all I want to do is cry. I think about how in order to be successful in the world, you must become wealthy. How the world wants you to act and look a certain way, I can't help but compare myself to this ideal that isn't very idea at all. I become exhausted doing so. I think about how money and wealth is the last thing I care about in life and I wonder why that doesn't bother me. I wonder if it's normal. I wonder if other people think like that as well.

I think about people in my life, about how they seem to just come and go as they please. I think about my biological father and can't help but feel the resentment I have toward him for leaving me and for not choosing me. I think about family members that have recently "disowned" me and how angry I become at them. Then verses like James 1:19-20 pops into my head and I feel guilty for feeling anything at all. Mind you, my parents have always been there - physically and emotionally. I think about how much I love them. But, on these sleepless nights, with all of this thought about growing up I can't help but think about how one day they wont be there. The emptiness clenches at my stomach and I take a mental note to phone them both tomorrow.

I think about my friends and how much I love them. But I also think about how everything and everyone is temporary and how everyone has the ability to hurt me. I think about how even my friends hurt me, and how I probably disappoint them everyday. I remind myself to lower the high expectations I have of people which leads me to think about how ridiculously high these expectations actually are and I disappoint myself even further.

All of this runs through my head every night. Then I "wake up" (more like get up) in the morning and I feel this incredible guilt and sadness lull over me for the rest of the day. What the heck? I didn't sign up for this. Then it hit me tonight, I'm not listening to God enough. I'm not doing what I tell everyone else to do. I am not trusting Him with the worries within my heart. 1 Peter 5:7 says to "cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." Once He reminded me of this, I felt this instant peace rush upon me. He is so faithful. He is so beautiful. I struggle with pride big time. I like to trick myself into pretending that everything is cool with me and God - all the time. Clearly, this is not the case. I cease to humble myself as much as I should. I forget that I am broken. My pride refuses to let me remember that. But it's true. I am so lost and so broken. And once I admit that, Jesus becomes beautiful again. He tells me that it's okay to be broken. Oh, the anxiety that was lifted, even as I just typed that. He reminds me that it's okay to not know what is going on. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's okay to not have it all together.

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I will bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise" - Psalm 51:16-17. Becoming broken is an attitude that is to be in complete submission to the Lord. In order for me to ever feel whole in Christ, I must first become broken. I am nothing without His love. I have to discipline myself and learn to give up every part of myself until there is nothing of Ashley left. Only God should be present. He is sending me into full-time ministry. He is assigning me to a very serious job description and He, recently, has been showing me how much that actually entails. I want to receive it God. Let me receive it, let me receive it, let me. I don't want to deny anything You place upon my life.

"I see every time you seek My face, beloved one. I see every movement of your heart towards Me, I do. I see every little movement of your heart towards Me. And though you're weak, my beloved, I see your love, I see your love. Though it's small, my beloved, I see your heart, I see your love. And though it ain't much, my beloved one, I see the way that you want Me, that you need Me, that you gotta have Me. I see it, I see it, I see it, I see it, I see it, I see every little desire, every little passion, every little piece of hunger, every little thing I see it all. Nothing goes unseen from My eye, nothing goes unseen from My gaze, every time you look towards Me I see it, every time you stare at Me I see it. I see your love, how small it may be, I see it love."

Forget the sleepless nights, forget the worry, forget the fears, forget the anxiety, forget the apprehension, in You I will find my rest. This is my prayer.

In Christ,
Ashley

2010-11-18T20:05:00.001-08:00

This is serious.